Yes, I Went To Disneyland

Disneyland is many things, and a mess of contradictions which I am still limping my way through. Currently. In no order:

1) It's smaller than I remember. Now, I've not been there in 12 years or somewhere thereabouts. In any instance, the forced perspective in the buildings (Main Street gets narrower and the buildings get shorter as they approach Sleeping Beauty's Castle) is now less effective now that I am 6'2". There is also an argument for my "seeing better," if that makes any sense. What took a whole day to walk around now takes about 20 minutes and most of the time is spent waiting in line for rides, which speaks to the designers' grace in jamming so much shit into such a (relatively) tiny space and still managing to give each Land its own entry way and exit.



2) Disneyland is BIGGER than I remember. There's a whole second park, with a second admission fee (Disney's California Adventure), which was built over the old parking lot. Now you take a tram (or walk through Downtown Disney, a weird little shopping mall/esplanade thing) to the main gate from the multi-story parking garage with super-high-flow escalators and a view of scenic Anaheim over and beyond the Magic Kingdom.

2a) Disney's California Adventure is clearly not meant for people from California. Or maybe it is, but that has a certain cynical implication that the good people of the state of California are too dumb to go visit their own (real life, with real bears) attractions. My family and I took a cursory walk through it and I was pretty unimpressed.

Consider below:



Poppies: Check. They are the state flower. Well done. They're all along the highway.

Retro Font: Check. Sell the postcard image of sun-drenched beaches and Beach Boys compilations.

Movie Theater: YOU'RE IN LOS ANGELES MOTHERFUCKER GRAUMAN'S IS VERY CLOSE BY MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO. SHIT IS CRAZY.

Pen: I don't get that. It must be some Miramax-Barton-Fink leftover shit.

Sun, Surf, Palms: See: "Movie Theater," substitute "Venice" for "Grauman's."

3) Disneyland is scary.



There's a lot of skulls. I recall there was a skull count a few years back (which was done apropos of nothing) and the number was pretty high. Or higher than you might expect or think of off the top of your head. There's a lot of blacklight stuff and fucking two story WOOZLES (above) which will clearly haunt your dreams. We can joke all we want about Coney Island being a strange and violent looking place, but all things are equal in this instance and in spite of Uncle Walt's best wishes, Disneyland is closer in spirit and execution to the old carnivals he was trying to render obsolete than we might want to admit. Permanence is great, and the safety record of the park is unbeatable, but content is content is content and the Indiana Jones Ride is just as dark as Dante's Inferno.

4) I might just be getting cynical ("getting," "ha, ha") in my old age. I mean, the holiday re-dressing of the Haunted Mansion (the ride, not the sad Eddie Murphy movie thing) for the Nightmare Before Christmas was pretty cute, and clearly had a lot of thought and love behind it (unlike the sad Eddie Murphy movie thing). Kids seemed to be having a good time still, which is important, because when the STOP having a good time we should burn the place to the ground, and people closer to my age seemed to be having a reasonable time as well. So what does this say about me?

I HAZ FOUND TWO FWIENDS O_O (Birthday Addendum. I Will Stop Typing Like This Shortly)

Ted and Beth made up for their missed presence on Saturday night with a guest appearance LAST night.



Ted brought Beth, and bought dinner, which was appreciated. I am grateful (see "appreciated").



Beth brought moral support and gazes of appreciative amazement for my work, for which I am grateful.

I CAN HAS ATE FWIENDS? ^_^

According to yesterday's math (December 15th's math -- the day of my portentous birth; to some a day to be scorned) I have eight friends. These are their portraits. If you see them on the street, congratulate them for their wise choice to not alienate me.



Matt brought me artworks in a similar vein to this series, for which I am grateful.



Melissa brought cookies of the homemade variety. They were (emphasis on the past tense. They are with God now) excellent and peanut butter with jelly dollops. I am grateful.



Chuck brought wine, which was a welcome arrival. He also took the time to swing by before band practice. I am grateful.




Gersh brought himself, which is important because we decided we'd known each other for seventeen (17) years. Go figure. I am grateful.



Ally brought Yuengling, which is important because it is nourishing and good for you. I am grateful.



Alex also brought Yuengling. Actually you could parse his arrival in several ways -- You could say that he brought the Yuengling while Ally (see above) brought HIM; You could say that he brought Ross (see below). I am grateful.



Ross arrived and watched Slapshot with us, which is important because it is the finest movie of All Time. I am grateful.




Holly came late but brought herself, which is important because it made for an even number. She also acts as further proof that I have nothing but good looking friends. I am grateful.

Now, there were MANY others who were invited and did not appear. MANY others. Those... people... will be dealt with in my own time. Their remains will likely be posted here later.

My love to you all. I am now 28. I feel like shit.

Fuck You, That's My Name

Miami, Florida has become my least favorite place on the planet supplanting Chadds Ford, PA and Orlando, FL. To a wo/man, the waitstaff at local eateries and the Delano hotel staff were rude, lazy, exclusionary and arrogant towards paying guests (i.e. ME, and the rest of the crew). I then became rude back and spent my three (3) days there in a combative rage.

A series of examples:

EXAMPLE 1

Richard is in the SHOWER, having ordered room service the night before. There is a KNOCK at the DOOR.

Room Service: Room service!

Me: (From the shower) Leave it there, please!

Room Service: Room service!

Me: (From the shower) Leave it there, please!

Room Service: Room service!

Me: (From the shower) Leave it there!

There is silence as Richard finishes his shower. And exits to find there is NO FOOD LEFT EITHER INSIDE OR OUTSIDE BY THE DOOR IN SPITE OF REPEATED REQUESTS TO LEAVE THE FOOD. Not only that, upon checkout Richard finds that his vanished meal IS ON THE BILL. When Richard goes to the front desk to protest, he is greeted by a DESK CLERK.

Desk Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: Yes, I...

(A woman appears from behind Richard holding a cell phone.)

Desk Clerk: Yes Ma'am, can I help you?

Me: (stares; addresses Desk Clerk) I'm sorry, was I not just standing here?

Desk Clerk: (stares)

Me: (stares)

Desk Clerk: (to the woman) How can I help you, ma'am?

Richard proceeds to stare at the Desk Clerk's Assistant until the Desk Clerk's Assistant decided to come over and help. Powerless, Richard decides to change every other word in his vocabulary to "Fuck" in full earshot of the CHILDREN behind him while staring at the Desk Clerk.

EXAMPLE 2

Richard returns from a walk around town with his BACKPACK and CAMERA through the beach-side entrance, flashing his GUEST CARD to the SECURITY DETAIL upon entry

Security Detail: Sir, you'll have to check your camera.

Me: But I'm staying here at the hotel.

Security Detail: Sir, they don't allow photography here.

Me: I'm not taking pictures. Besides, I was taking pictures last night and they didn't say anything THEN (see image above --Ed.)..

Security Detail: You'll have to put it away.

Me: Well I have to go to my room to put it away.

Security Detail: You'll have to put it in your backpack.

Me: MY BACKPACK IS FULL.

Security Detail: (stares)

Me: (stares)

EXIT Richard toward the lobby, knowing he won that little battle.

EXAMPLE 3

Richard is working with the crew in a small-ish CONFERENCE ROOM with many LARGE, HEAVY TABLES and ROLLING CHAIRS. They call the CUSTODIAL STAFF to remove the tables and chairs, a common production custom.

Crewmember: Yes, we'd like to have these chairs and tables taken away, please.

Custodian: We've nowhere to put them.

Crewmember: What?

Custodian: They're big and there's no space to put them anywhere else. Besides,
(whining)
they're HEAVY!

Crewmember: Yes, we know they're heavy.

END SCENE FOR EDITORIAL CONTENT

Now, custodial and janitorial staff in hotels gets PAID to move stuff all day long. They get paid to move things and sweep and bring food to people regardless of whether something is heavy or not because it is their JOB. The hotel had known that we were coming for at LEAST a month; knew our requirements beforehand and chose to not honor them. Rather than act as if they were in a SERVICE INDUSTRY, they acted as if WE were the ones putting THEM out.

EXAMPLE 4

Waiter at Nemo: Would you like to see the desert menu?

Me: Yes, thank you.
(reads)
I'm curious, and going out on a limb here... ...would the chef prepare ONE of the buttermilk donuts? I'll pay for it, but more than that would be wasteful. I'm just curious.

W@N: (curtly) No.

Me: Really.

W@N: (curtly) I don't think they'd go for it.

Me: You know they won't, or you don't THINK they will?

W@N: (curtly) They won't go for it.

Me: (stares)

W@N: (stares)

Me: I see.

W@N: (curtly) They're little.

Me: That's irrelevant, really.

(The waiter goes)

Me: (To Crewmember) He didn't even pretend to go ask.

Crewmember: Yeah... I mean, he should know that if he pulls that off or at least tries to pull it off, it goes towards his tip.

Me: I know, right? It's easier than that. You go around the corner, have a cigarette, come back and say "no," you don't just say it outright.

Crewmember: Fuck him. He gets stiffed.

Me: That's the spirit.

The waiter is stiffed on his tip. END SCENE

Tie Me To The Mast Of This Ship And Of This Band

Some personal amusements regarding Gridskipper's Worst Bartenders in Brooklyn!

Firstly, this entry regarding the service at Trout/Pacifico/Gravy is on the money, and I still fail to comprehend how those places stay alive, especially considering the food quality, which I've described in the past as "food for people who think they know what good food should be like."

This observation about the general cluelessness of my generation can be lumped in with my Rushmore Corollary, which states that "...the reason Rushmore was/is so popular with the generation of 20-somethings at its time of release is that the generation as a whole feels it was, like, totally Max Fischer in High School."

This is obviously not true. This character trait, perceived or otherwise, also links to the 60 Minutes story about 20-something workers.

Anyway back to Gridskipper. This comment,

BY HIPSTERADE AT 11:39 AM

while boat on smith street also has two of the best bartenders in brooklyn, it also employs the WORST ACTUAL SINGLE BARTENDER in the borough: curly hair, works tuesday, thursday nights--she consistently ignores you, abuses you verbally, sneers as only the grinch can sneer.

By Hipsterade, if that is his/her real name, amuses me terribly. For a number of reasons, only one of which I will share with you now:



Suzie has a smile that can melt steel (not pictured) and is ever-so-charming and pleasant.

I will conclude my Captain Save-A-Bartender rant with the observation that since the insulating bar presence of Vegas closed down the douchebag quotient at Boat has risen at a fantastic rate. More clearly said, anyone who doesn't know the bartenders at Boat by name doesn't live around Smith St., nor do they deserve to be served with a smile.