The First Of Three Candy Reviews

INT. MOVIE THEATER, NIGHT.

Richard and Dom wait in their SEATS for "The Darjeeling Limited" to begin. Richard reaches into his AWESOME BLACK BAG to produce THREE CANDY BARS of mysterious origin.

(dramatically)
RICH: I told you I was bringing snacks, so I have three candies to choose from. I brought them from Sweden.
(handing them one by one to Dom)
We have "Daim"...

(excited)
DOM: DAAAAAAAAAIM!

RICH: Exactly. We have "Plopp"...

(laughing)
DOM: Delicious.

RICH: Precisely. And we have "Japp"...

(slowly)
DOM: Oh. My. God.

RICH: Yeah that one's a personal favorite. Anyway, you choose which one we are to review.

(thoughtfully)
DOM: Let's go with "Daim."

RICH: Great. Looking at the wrapper now,
(gesturing to the label)
and judging by the explode-y bits coming from behind the lettering it seems like it's a toffee of some sort.

She picks up the candy bar and examines it more closely.

DOM: You're probably right. Looking at the wrapper now it also seems to be made by the good people at the KRAFT company.

(deflated)
RICH: What?

(pointing to the BOLD KRAFT LABEL on the back)
DOM: See.

RICH: So I brought a KRAFT-brand candy bar all the way from Sweden?

DOM: Apparently.

(dejectedly)
RICH: Jesus H. Christ on the cross...

DOM: Which are the candy bars with the toffee in them?

RICH: Heath Bars...

DOM: No, no, the other ones...

RICH: Skoal... no, that's the tobacco. Um... Scor!

DOM: Yeah! I bet it's like that.

She begins to rip open the wrapper and pauses.

DOM: Oh, are we saving the wrapper?

RICH: No, I shot them all already.

(continuing to open the wrapper)
DOM: Oh good.

They crack the bar into smaller segments for sharing and easy-eating. They both taste. The toffee is crisp and pleasantly caramel while the milk chocolate coating is gritty and unextraordinary. A serviceable candy bar.

RICH: So it's almost exactly like a Heath Bar.

DOM: Or a Skoal...

RICH: Skor...

DOM: Skor Bar...

RICH: They all taste the same.

DOM: Yeah. Yeah, they do.

RICH: Well this is a letdown.

DOM: It's good though!

RICH: It's pretty good. Heath Bars are my favorite.
(pausing)
Chocolate's a bit "bleh" though.

DOM: (nods)

(to himself)
RICH: The chocolate might have melted here or there because of transit though.

The LIGHTS in the theater begin to dim and the other MOVIEGOERS begin to hush each other and buckle down for viewing

DOM: Movie's starting.

END

Retroactive Post to June 24, 2007

Me: "Oh! We can stop at Randy's Donuts on the way to the airport!"

Dan: "Yes... we could do that."

In truth, I'd never been to Randy's, even when I was going to Kings games when they were still at The Forum (which is still, even in religious mothballs, better than the Staples Center). We arrived at Randy's with a good two hours to spare before it could be considered panic time at the airport, but we had to wait in line for a good fifteen minutes before our turn came. The line itself was always about ten people deep (there is one walk up window) and the drive-thru windows were easily backed up onto Manchester Blvd. They seemed understaffed for a Sunday morning, even though it was going on ten AM.


In true (bad) scientific form, I consumed one (1) plain cake donut as a control. The donut base is really pretty good -- better than you'd expect, if you're the type who figures they'd coast on reputation -- cakey not too sweet with a nice crisp exterior that holds up well to dunking, which is the only way to enjoy a fresh donut.

I then had a maple long john, which is a surprisingly obscure commodity here on the east coast and found it to my satisfaction -- the light sweetness of the cake portion didn't make the whole thing sickening or overwhelm the maple flavor which, while as inauthentic and synthetic as anything else, was passably "maple."

In conclusion, Dunkin' can take a leap. Horton's gets a pass for belonging to a culture. Krispy Kreme remains some other-type shit.

The whole detour to Randy's took a good half hour longer than we had figured and by the time we made it to the airport a pipe had burst in the first terminal, forcing passengers out into the street and causing massive congestion that seems to happen in L.A. no matter what. Still, we made it into the waiting area with ten minutes to spare and pacified our producer, M., who got a chocolate-cake donut with a sugary glaze. He declared it "good."