Fuck You, That's My Name

Miami, Florida has become my least favorite place on the planet supplanting Chadds Ford, PA and Orlando, FL. To a wo/man, the waitstaff at local eateries and the Delano hotel staff were rude, lazy, exclusionary and arrogant towards paying guests (i.e. ME, and the rest of the crew). I then became rude back and spent my three (3) days there in a combative rage.

A series of examples:

EXAMPLE 1

Richard is in the SHOWER, having ordered room service the night before. There is a KNOCK at the DOOR.

Room Service: Room service!

Me: (From the shower) Leave it there, please!

Room Service: Room service!

Me: (From the shower) Leave it there, please!

Room Service: Room service!

Me: (From the shower) Leave it there!

There is silence as Richard finishes his shower. And exits to find there is NO FOOD LEFT EITHER INSIDE OR OUTSIDE BY THE DOOR IN SPITE OF REPEATED REQUESTS TO LEAVE THE FOOD. Not only that, upon checkout Richard finds that his vanished meal IS ON THE BILL. When Richard goes to the front desk to protest, he is greeted by a DESK CLERK.

Desk Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: Yes, I...

(A woman appears from behind Richard holding a cell phone.)

Desk Clerk: Yes Ma'am, can I help you?

Me: (stares; addresses Desk Clerk) I'm sorry, was I not just standing here?

Desk Clerk: (stares)

Me: (stares)

Desk Clerk: (to the woman) How can I help you, ma'am?

Richard proceeds to stare at the Desk Clerk's Assistant until the Desk Clerk's Assistant decided to come over and help. Powerless, Richard decides to change every other word in his vocabulary to "Fuck" in full earshot of the CHILDREN behind him while staring at the Desk Clerk.

EXAMPLE 2

Richard returns from a walk around town with his BACKPACK and CAMERA through the beach-side entrance, flashing his GUEST CARD to the SECURITY DETAIL upon entry

Security Detail: Sir, you'll have to check your camera.

Me: But I'm staying here at the hotel.

Security Detail: Sir, they don't allow photography here.

Me: I'm not taking pictures. Besides, I was taking pictures last night and they didn't say anything THEN (see image above --Ed.)..

Security Detail: You'll have to put it away.

Me: Well I have to go to my room to put it away.

Security Detail: You'll have to put it in your backpack.

Me: MY BACKPACK IS FULL.

Security Detail: (stares)

Me: (stares)

EXIT Richard toward the lobby, knowing he won that little battle.

EXAMPLE 3

Richard is working with the crew in a small-ish CONFERENCE ROOM with many LARGE, HEAVY TABLES and ROLLING CHAIRS. They call the CUSTODIAL STAFF to remove the tables and chairs, a common production custom.

Crewmember: Yes, we'd like to have these chairs and tables taken away, please.

Custodian: We've nowhere to put them.

Crewmember: What?

Custodian: They're big and there's no space to put them anywhere else. Besides,
(whining)
they're HEAVY!

Crewmember: Yes, we know they're heavy.

END SCENE FOR EDITORIAL CONTENT

Now, custodial and janitorial staff in hotels gets PAID to move stuff all day long. They get paid to move things and sweep and bring food to people regardless of whether something is heavy or not because it is their JOB. The hotel had known that we were coming for at LEAST a month; knew our requirements beforehand and chose to not honor them. Rather than act as if they were in a SERVICE INDUSTRY, they acted as if WE were the ones putting THEM out.

EXAMPLE 4

Waiter at Nemo: Would you like to see the desert menu?

Me: Yes, thank you.
(reads)
I'm curious, and going out on a limb here... ...would the chef prepare ONE of the buttermilk donuts? I'll pay for it, but more than that would be wasteful. I'm just curious.

W@N: (curtly) No.

Me: Really.

W@N: (curtly) I don't think they'd go for it.

Me: You know they won't, or you don't THINK they will?

W@N: (curtly) They won't go for it.

Me: (stares)

W@N: (stares)

Me: I see.

W@N: (curtly) They're little.

Me: That's irrelevant, really.

(The waiter goes)

Me: (To Crewmember) He didn't even pretend to go ask.

Crewmember: Yeah... I mean, he should know that if he pulls that off or at least tries to pull it off, it goes towards his tip.

Me: I know, right? It's easier than that. You go around the corner, have a cigarette, come back and say "no," you don't just say it outright.

Crewmember: Fuck him. He gets stiffed.

Me: That's the spirit.

The waiter is stiffed on his tip. END SCENE